I tried . I failed. Signing off

 

Everything is stabbing me through the heart today. 

I tried to start over. I sang and danced and tried to be happy with absolutely nothing to help. 

No cards or gifts or calls. Today my world is falling in with mean doctors who won't write a friggin prescription and nasty neighbors who I gave beautiful things to for Christmas. 

I'm wrapping everything I got for all of you. 

It will be here for you. Please don't just toss it. Please

I have nothing but fear and isolation and rejection to look forward to.



The next attack or heartbreak, I'm ending this. 

You aren't worth my pain!

Why!?

I don't deserve this!

I want to die.

I can't do anything right.


To my children and grandchildren



Love, 

The crazy one




Comments

  1. BDecember 26, 2024 at 2:21 PM

    I don't know how to describe it other than chaos.
    A couple weeks ago, I realized I was rushing, all the time! Hurry up!
    Ever since September 8 2020, nothing has settled down. I'm constantly looking for a doctor, insurance, trying to get prescriptions filled takes an act of Congress. When you change addresses frequently like I had to at first everything gets upside down forever! I can't control the flow of this and it's all electromagnetic or driving. Just getting my Mail is hell! Too far to walk. My mailbox was laying on it's side with everything wet
    Everything is constantly breaking down. All I do is repair!
    Nothing works. I don't know where to start.
    I'm buried. And so sick. I'm so tired.

    I made myself slow down and that was better for a couple weeks. Now all the chaos is backed up on me.
    I think about all of you when this society goes upside down like my life did. You can't imagine what you will go through. I knew it was coming. That's why I always was prepared to take all of you in!
    How fucking ironic.

    NO one survives this alone.
    You wish me dead. There's no other explanation.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BDecember 26, 2024 at 3:11 PM

    If anything horrible happens to any of my children that I can't do anything about, DON'T TELL ME! I MEAN IT.
    I won't be responsible what I might be capable of if my children are hurt!
    Nothing else matters. Never did.
    Never will
    It's who I am and I am tired of trying to change myself for.. WHAT?

    ReplyDelete
  3. BDecember 26, 2024 at 3:29 PM

    I wish I felt bad about how I mistreated a lot of pretty good old men when I was dating. I broke some hearts.
    I just don't care. I'm ashamed of that.
    Not much though.

    ReplyDelete
  4. BDecember 27, 2024 at 4:15 AM

    My children treat me like crap because they never saw anyone treat me any other way. It's universal! On the rare occasion that someone acts nice it always turns into a trauma for me.
    Someone was beating on my door last night. Stupid bitch next door with cookies. That side of the house is blocked off with plastic trying to keep this horrible cold place warm. So I tear it all down to open the door.
    Then she says..." I don't think I am contagious". WTF!!
    I told her LEAVE!
    SHE just wouldn't shut up..."oh Billie, I love you"

    Whiley dinner is burning up under the broiler on the other side of the plastic!
    I had already taken my enzymes to eat but by the time I got new food cooked, it was too late and I am up sick and worried all night with a bag of contaminated cookies I can't eat! I told her NO!

    NO ONE EVER HEARS ME!
    SO SICK OF IT ALL
    SO TODAY I GET TO CLIMB ON A ladder to repair the plastic
    She ripped it completely off front door
    If I get sick with flu I am going to kill that skinny christian bitch!

    ReplyDelete
  5. BDecember 30, 2024 at 2:14 PM

    I miss you Roger Fredinburg! YOU were the one person I trusted with my full story of my life. I chose well, my dear friend!
    I miss you so much!
    I lost everything and everyone but you. I pray there is an afterlife, because you weren't alive long enough!

    ReplyDelete

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