An Anniversary of my life

  My next bathtub I want a tiny, safe, warm home on a piece of land where family can't steal from me and government can't burn or flood me out of! You miserable sobs.

  For my beautiful children and grandchildren. That they are safe and healthy and happy. If they find half the joy I did being in their lives, they'll be fine.  I have to find a life without them. Saying that seems insane! Impossible! But I am going to try.  My good neighbors refused to let me escape thanksgiving. They didn't take no as an answer.   I've wondered about grandma Lena. After Linda left us, she didn't want to have holidays.  Every year..do you remember? I'd get her a tree and we would go over and decorate. I couldn't imagine leaving my mother out of Christmas!  She always seemed appreciative but I wonder if I imposed.  At least we showed up.  Then we would take one to Mrs. Ray . One year we gave boxes to a nursing home and mailed boxes to the kids in Serbia as we bombed them!! I tried to instill benevolence in you. You seemed such happy children! How did I miss reality? That I was teaching you to hate me!? I can smell grandma's p...

  I don't know who I am Danny, Shannan, you believe liars.  All the men you trust are liars. All of them. You did no better than me. At least I didn't let them kill my mother!

   I did pretty good from where I came from! You were always first. ALWAYS DID you really think that I somehow knew everything??! I never had help.. NEVER

 I wonder...did they lose a moment of sleep worrying about me sleeping in a parking lot!  I'll never understand! Broken BROKEN

  All I ever wanted was for you kids to be proud of me.  I actually thought once that you were! I'm so stupid do blind https://www.facebook.com/reel/1083475143485559?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v I guess that's what hurts so bad... knowing that I don't matter at all. 

 

  Time insists that I move forward, while my heart insists I remain here... with you! All of you! Are gone. There's nothing left to say but goodbye and I will always love you.

  But I hate the thought of being around people more! I'm so damaged I don't ever want to see my children again.  I just want to disappear and stop being a disappointment I saw all the funerals. And I won't have anyone at my funeral! You better not! You won't spit on me now, leave me alone when I finally find peace! If I have to sell my soul, I will to get away from here!  I'm going somewhere else. You can't stop me! Everything is about Bugs here.  I can't do this anymore. It's been a year. Time to run again  I'm not strong enough! 

  Every day since Almeda, I think, there's nothing left to take from me! How wrong I was! They have even taken my Facebook page, the only human contact I had left.. the only pictures I had left! It's stunning! Every day I wake up is like this. I can't get past the sadness! The only pleasure is thinking about death and no more pain. A neighbor invited me for Thanksgiving. I declined.  I never want to see another human being, especially a bullshit christian as long as I live! Sorry, Mama. I know you tried to save me. Your God is a lie! You aren't in heaven. YOU are rotting in the fucking ground! I won't allow myself to get attached to this cat. He's disappointed but I just won't! It will die or make me miserable so why bother. I'm tired of feeling guilty about things I was ignorant of! I was raised to care for animals but taught they were only animals without emotions who only hung around for food. That was so wrong! They are so superior to people! I knew ...